Creating Your Identity
TL:DR - 1) Part of the solution to the acceptance vs authenticity dilemma is to recognize that our identity is always changing and to embrace the process of becoming. 2) Although an identity can anchor us, it should not anchor us to a single place for our entire life but should be pulled up at various stages to allow exploration of new waters. 3) The ultimate purpose of creating a more flexible identity is to allow us to change, to make new paths in life and adapt more successfully to the inevitable challenges and transitions that life brings.
How is Identity Connected to Acceptance vs Authenticity?
The dilemma between acceptance vs authenticity, the subject of the previous deeper dive, is not the final focus for our path in life but is simply a starting point reality we must face and accept in order to then see how it impacts our identity and therefore our ability to change our paths in life. If you jump to identity without being aware of, and likely wrestling with, acceptance vs authenticity, then you will be hacking through the dense forest of identity without a map or compass, continually turned around and repeating the same paths that never lead your way back out again. The value of first recognizing the presence of the acceptance vs authenticity dilemma is it highlights the importance of having an identity while also illuminating the fact that your current identity is not fully you or fully integrated and whole yet. While this might sound daunting, it opens up the possibility of creating a more authentic identity. What we have is an ego that allowed us to navigate from a dependent child into a functioning, or at least somewhat functioning, independent adult. Returning to our Self as a means for a fuller identity beyond ego is the goal, one that will simultaneously feel like a novel experience while also like returning home. After all, in the hero's journey, the hero never comes back home the same as they were when they left.
Ok, But What Can Be Said About Identity That's New Anyways?
What hasn't already been written about the topic of identity? Much of psychology, art, literature, and philosophy centers on this important but elusive subject, which is why we return to it over and over again in our music, film, television, storytelling, and of course therapy. I have come to see the question of identity not as a question to solve but one to explore and to evolve with over time, to deepen my appreciation for its complexity and importance to my life and others' lives. What I hope to offer here is more of a change in approach rather than brand new insights into this core aspect of what it means to be a human being.
I also hope to avoid getting stuck in philosophical speculation for its own sake that neglects action and change. While I love to ponder the mysteries of existence, I also agree that in many ways the question of "Who am I?" feels akin to "What's the meaning of life?", both of which always elude our grasp any time we reach out to take hold of them. In the end, the meaning of life is to live one's life, and we cannot delay living until we know exactly who our true self is. We must live now. That said, the need for identity remains universal and is deeply felt by all of us. Who can say they are not arrested by the question "Who am I?" or feel for another who is grappling with that central struggle. The point of asking the questions is not to solve them, though, but to better see how they impact our lives. That is why I view identity questions as a change in approach rather than a problem to master. So as much as I enjoy questions like "What is the self?", "Is the self even real?", and "Who is the 'I' that is asking these questions in the first place?", I believe we must enjoy the questions subjectively without waiting for objective answers. The main two subjective questions that matter most in terms of our path in life are "What is my truest self?" and "How do I feel about my life?"
How Does Having an Identity Help Us?
Ok, so we seem to require an identity, just as we require meaning and a purpose in life, even if we can't philosophically and objectively explain them. So how does having an identity improve our lives? I think the answer is that it anchors us. Often we latch onto an identity simply to have one. An identity allows us to evaluate life, others, and ourselves. It helps us make choices and solve problems, so we feel lost without it. The issue is to what degree our identity is "really us." Did we select an identity because having one is better than not having one? As we saw with acceptance vs authenticity, maybe our sense of self was chosen for or imposed on us. Maybe we selected an identity that served us well for a particular window of our life but should not become our permanent identity and might not align with our deeper sense of ourselves, our values, and our passions.
As we move through life, we want to better define and understand who we are. Yet if I try to explain my own life, I inevitably simplify it. There are many explanations possible, none of which fully encompasses me or perfectly captures the various elements of who I am, who I have been, and who I am becoming. Once again we're back to the subjective realm. Objectively, there is no concrete "true self." However, we can tell when we feel less authentic, which implies a truer self, and yet we're always changing so we never fully arrive at this "true self." The elusive destination of "true self" is indicated but never reached, and yet we only pursue it because we feel there's a destination. This dilemma and paradox, one loved by philosophers and one that we will not try to solve here, is the tension between being and becoming. On one hand, we all feel like we fundamentally do not change who we are at our core. At the same time, we can each see significant ways in which we've changed over time. Is the person who leaves a fundamental religious identity different because they live a very different life now, or are they the same person at their core because they continue to be led by a desire for truth? I think both are true. It's perfectly ok and actually quite healthy to change over time as we learn and grow and become exposed to new ideas and experiences, to be led by our deepest held values.
The question is whether we can accept an imperfect, subjective, changing, impermanent, and relative identity, to accept that we will always pursue but never fully arrive at our final Identity Destination. If this feels upsetting, I've found it helps to think of the best artists and athletes who never feel like they achieve their ultimate goal. Sure, championships might imply a goal reached or a work of art praised as the destiny achieved. But those same artists and athletes try again - they come back the next season, find a new style, write a better album that reflects their ever-changing natures. To abandon the search altogether would be like asking Michael Jordan to remain a one-time NBA champion, to ask Katie Ledecky to retire after a single gold medal or world record, or for Radiohead to stop writing songs after "Creep." Those successes are meaningful, but not in-and-of themselves alone but as signs of continued growth, self-expression, and mastery. The same can be true of our identity. Rather than seek some imagined version of ourselves as "finally acceptable," we can enjoy the ways in which we evolve and deepen. Identity will still be our anchor, but it is an anchor we can pull up in order to explore new waters.
Where Does This Issue Show Up in Life?
Identity helps us realize that our acceptance vs authenticity dilemma is not as upsetting as it might first appear. We are supposed to keep changing who we are and how we approach our life. Uncovering that dilemma simply helps us make more informed changes in better pursuit of versions of ourselves that we want to be rather than versions imposed on us externally, to be more authentic rather than conform. It allows us to see that as a child we had little choice but as an adult we can recognize patterns and carve out new identities and paths.
Of course, that's much easier said than done. Much easier. There are many ways in which our identity begins to feel stuck, unfamiliar, lost, or even undesirable. Below are some questions, dilemmas, and situations in which we feel out of sync with who we are and who we want to be. See which ones resonate most with you.
The relationship between self-conceptualization and actions. Am I defined by being or doing? Can I call myself brave or ethical if I do not behave bravely or ethically? Am I a coward if I act cowardly, even if that's not how I conceive of myself?
Reflecting vs doing. Am I living my life or just rehearsing? Do I live in the real world or only in my head?
Internal vs external validation. When I feel stuck trying to make a decision, should I focus on the decision making process, the outcome, and what others will think about me, or should I be led by who I am and want to be as a person?
Midlife - crisis or rebirth. When I look back and evaluate my life and think of my remaining years, how do I feel about it? If I'm dissatisfied, will this become a crisis or meltdown, or will I see it as an opportunity for growth and change?
Individual vs group. How do I resolve tensions when my individual desires conflict with the group? How do I fit into the group, and to what degree should I let the group influence who I am as a person?
Acceptance vs authenticity. This dilemma never goes away. Hopefully we become more aware of it and better understand how to adjust to be more authentic rather than conform to external expectations and demands. But we should always be asking, "Is this myself or me trying to be accepted? Am I changing who I am in order to be loved?"
"Life would be better if I was someone else." Can I accept myself as I am? Can I be the one who always wants me around? Can I worry less about where I rank or how I'm perceived and focus more on how I can love and help others?
"What is my true personality?" Are tools like the Myers-Briggs or Enneagram helpful? Does my personality change over time? How can understanding my own personality type as well as others' help my internal life as well as my external relationships?
Becoming severed from natural ways of being. As a human, I am also an animal and part of nature. Am I in tune with those parts? Can I accept them? Can I learn to enjoy them and find more natural, authentic ways of being?
The unexamined life. Sure, the unexamined life is supposedly not worth living, according to Socrates. But the examined life is so damn complicated and messy. Is it even worth it?
How Can an Exploration Approach Help?
This will come as a surprise to no one, but I believe taking an exploration approach to these and other identity concerns is the healthiest approach. Rather than try to solve each question like it's a crime scene in need of a "right" answer, try and be led by curiosity and an openness to where those questions lead you. As Rilke wrote, learn to love and live the questions and eventually you will live the answers. I know I know, easier said than done yet again. But here are some versions of what that might look like.
Make new notches in the trees - slowly. Before we had Google maps and GPS, smaller human groups would mark notches in the trees to signify the furthest reaches from their base camp they had explored. They didn't try to map out the entire landscape in one outing but slowly expanded their limits and understanding over time. There was not the rush or daily pressure for progress we experience in modern life. The mind works in a similar way if given time. The brain will rewire itself with repetition and proper motivation, but the process requires patience. Often big changes come in unexpected leaps, similar to how learning to read works, where plateaus are often followed by leaps to the next level rather than a consistent linear progress. So don't despair if you find yourself in a plateau state. Just keep putting in the time and enjoy the slow changes as well as the sudden leaps when they occur. Because they will.
Try not to always frame transitions as a "crisis" or something to be "got over." As we pointed out in the dilemma between acceptance and authenticity, often what feels uncomfortable is a sign that something is off, but this signal helps us change. Inevitably, life will hand us transitions, whether we asked for them or not. Sudden shifts can feel dramatic and overwhelming, and some changes will even need to be grieved. But these times of seeming crisis are another opportunity to explore and to grow. I don't mean this in some cheesy reframing of difficulty or loss as some "blessing in disguise." Growth is hard work. You have to put in the time. But by viewing it not as something to be endured or "got over" but as lessons from life and yourself to learn from, you can go through the experience with more grace, gratitude, openness, acceptance, and peace.
Discover and be led by core values rather than the "tyranny of shoulds." As we discover that part of who we believed we were is not in line with who we want to be, we will likely feel adrift and unanchored. After all, any anchor feels better than no anchor. But the anchor of a new identity is possible, and one way to create that new anchor and feel less adrift is to explore your values. For some, truth and authenticity might matter most. For others, curiosity and exploration feel most more genuine. Still others need connection and belonging most. Whatever the case for you, take time to reflect on what matters to you and when you feel "yourself." Think through experiences that were positive as well as negative to find themes for what you want and what you don't want. Importantly, don't let others' expectations and the "tyranny of shoulds" push you to values you think you're supposed to have but don't actually care about whatsoever.
Create an identity open to evolution. It might sound odd to discuss identity as something that can be "created." Aren't we supposed to "find our true selves"? But as we said earlier, there is no "true self." Identity is not fixed. There are ways of being that feel more authentically genuine to you, but that does not mean you're unmasking some "true self" that you must then abide by. You're listening to those internal signals and seeing how your changes feel and align with what you want your life to look like, which might be different at different stages. You have agency in this process. You are not beholden to some "higher self" but are creating a self through the process of becoming, and this process is made easier if you approach your identity as something open to evolution, change, and growth. We often want a fixed identity, to be able to say, "I am ______." It feels more secure and certain to have a permanent identity. But inevitably life happens. And when it does, an identity unable to flex will snap and break, and you will discover it was more fragile than you admitted because you did not allow it to grow or expand. Become the tall tree that blows in the wind but does not break rather than the concrete wall that looks sturdy but cracks and crumbles with wind, rain, cold, and shifting ground.
Don't borrow an identity or a label but seek self-acceptance. There are many possible identities in life, and the world and others are only too happy to lend you one that they prefer. But authentic identity cannot be found from some pre-made drop-down menu of options. It must be tended to and crafted over time, aware of when expectations are being imposed or we're choosing acceptance over authenticity. Even when a path looks clear and inviting, it's probably that way to tempt you onto someone else's. Resist. Make your own path. It might be more difficult, but it's the only way of making it yours.
What's the End Game Here?
The ultimate point in examining the acceptance vs authenticity dilemma and a more flexible identity is change. Our path in life is not determined or inevitable. We can change. But we must give up the illusion of complete control. Yes, our identity is something we can create, and as adults we can make decisions that were not open to the child version of ourselves. But change is still difficult, and I believe - and have personally experienced - that remapping one's life is the most difficult task we can undergo. You planned to be a certain person in a certain future and felt certain about it. But life had other plans, as did your deeper Self. We create stories to help us make meaning of things, but those stories are not always true or accurate. Our unconscious strategy kicks in pretty quickly when confronted with difficult facts and events, and often when we think we're thinking we're actually feeling and then rationalizing the decision that feels best to us. Thoughts generated from upset and hurt feelings can be dramatic and often feel catastrophic. The desire for acceptance will kick in again, as will a preference for more absolute answers and a more permanent identity. But often that's exactly what got us into the problem or is likely making it worse. Change is difficult because it forces us to examine and rewrite our preferred narrative, and the internal and external pressures to certain storylines can be extremely difficult to free oneself from. Change is the true test of the Self. Do I know who I am? Am I my own? Can I adapt with time and change? Can I make decisions in line with my true values? And when my current scaffolding collapses, am I able to restructure again?
Let's take a look at the process of change so that it can become something to embrace and even enjoy rather than fought and distrusted.