Acceptance vs Authenticity
TL:DR - 1) We choose acceptance and approval from caregivers and others before we even have an authentic identity established. 2) This pattern of choosing approval - and therefore safety and love - above authentic identity repeats in various forms throughout our lives, impacting relationships, ego formation, and major life decisions. 3) As adults we are able to recognize this pattern and create a more integrated Self whose identity extends beyond mere ego and can adapt to life's many challenges and changes while being authentically led by our values rather than by societal and relational pressures that often require us to alter who we are in order to be accepted.
Your First Choice...Wasn't Really Your Own
The first significant decision you ever made wasn't really your own to make, and yet it informed your path for the rest of your life: As a small, helpless infant, you had to figure out how to please your caregivers in order to stay alive, and to achieve this goal you had to ignore or reject core parts of yourself - some of your own needs and desires - first to gain and then to maintain their acceptance. Before you knew who you are, or could even conceive of an identity, you had to accurately assess how to make them happy, to morph into a version of you that they approved of and would therefore love and protect. This monumental "decision" is certainly not an informed one but is made as a baby and small child in need of safety, so there really was no choice involved. Yet it carried implications for the rest of your life, your identity, and your path.
Many people are unaware of this initial human dilemma, so at first it might sound a bit exaggerated to frame it as so consequential. So let's unpack what is meant by "acceptance" and "authenticity" and then take a look at how this plays out over a lifetime.
Changing Who We Are in Order to Be Loved and Accepted
If you've ever changed who you are in order to be loved and accepted, then you understand the heart of this dilemma. That's true whether you fundamentally altered yourself or made a minor behavior modification. In the context of acceptance vs authenticity, the concept of acceptance is synonymous with approval and therefore of safety and love. We need our caregivers to give care to us, to watch over and nurture us. Our very lives depend on their acceptance. Often the word acceptance is used in a positive connotation, such as learning to love and accept ourselves or finding people who accept us just as we are, and both of these represent healthy ways of thinking about acceptance. But in the dilemma between acceptance and authenticity, the word acceptance means something more like approval. We could frame the dilemma as approval vs authenticity, but I think approval has too formal an implication. In our initial, small family unit and then later as our social tribes expand, the process of being welcomed into the group feels less like a rigid approval process and more like general acceptance (although some groups do formalize this process, such as in cults or high-control religion). In fact, we tend to assume those who are tasked with loving and raising us will accept us as we are. The painful reality we discover much later in life is that their acceptance was more conditional than we first realized, but by then we already have a lifetime of modifying our behavior and opinions, of conforming to social expectations and defined roles.
In contrast, authenticity means being your true self, of accepting yourself as yourself. Psychologists often describe this process in clinical-sounding terms, such as individuation and self-actualization. To me, it means not conforming or hiding parts of yourself but living out your full identity, no matter if that self is weird, shy, risky, curious, goofy, tender, bold, sensitive, or questioning of the status quo. It's who you are and who you feel most comfortable being. In so many ways, being your authentic self sounds simple and almost utopian; in so many other ways, its very idealism instantly reveals how far from this pure self we have drifted. It's easy to say we should live authentically, but that's a weighty task. To face fear and self-doubt and to risk rejection by those we depend on but who prefer us to be a particular way feels heavy and overwhelming.
So we change who we are to be loved and accepted. We live by denying our Self. But of course we do! It's the first decision we ever made. All of us did it! Without exception. So it's natural to trust others over yourself when that's your default model. Our first experience of self is not self-possession but of securing a sense of an acceptable self based on others' terms. That is not love in the deeper sense of being loved unconditionally for who you are but rather love on others’ terms. The paradox of acceptance, then, is that it takes a deep sense of self to seek and find that true self, but you can't seek it unless you have it and yet can't have it until you seek it. Even worse, we don't have a guide to direct us and must become our own guide...somehow.
What do we do, then? Fortunately, the Self - in the Jungian sense of who you are beyond your ego (more on that later) - desires wholeness. So what you'll first encounter is a sense of not being whole or integrated, or you might one day encounter your shadow, those parts of yourself that you have ignored or denied, asking to be seen and accepted. Or you'll experience a deeper sense of joy, connection, and being alive that alerts you to the fact that you rarely if ever feel such transcendent emotions and sensations. In these moments, the larger Self is trying to lead the smaller ego on a journey of self-discovery, one that requires a great deal of courage and a strong desire to become a genuine you. This is what is meant by the "hero's journey," a theme that has recurred throughout all literature and art for all of human history. It's the story each person must tell for themselves.
"Surely You're Exaggerating This?"
I know this might sound like an exaggeration. You might object with something like the following: "The baby or small child isn't making a decision for life. Being acceptable to one's caregivers is just part of normal development, and over time you figure out who you are." Yes. And no. Part of human development is transitioning from a dependent child to an independent adult. The problem is that many of the thought patterns, emotions, self-conceptions, and behaviors we have adopted were born from this initial dilemma, which only becomes more difficult as we face this dilemma in other forms from other interpersonal pressures - societal expectations, partner demands, job requirements, etc. - all of which are very conditional on you adopting the proper behavior, opinions, and appearance.
"Still," one might counter, "these are pressures the adult feels, not the child, and certainly not the baby." True, these are adult experiences, but the child and the baby also faced them, just without the memory, vocabulary, or cognitive awareness to realize it. So what we might experience as a baby smiling at a parent as a sign of bonding and our social and relational instinct kicking in to ensure parental care goes much deeper than that, especially when disapproval comes into play. It's disapproval that really shifts the natural behavior into modified behavior. For example, a baby crying can be met with disapproval, including anger or neglect, until they act differently. As the baby, we desperately want and need to be held, rocked, and loved, so we will stop our crying and ignore our discomfort in order to avoid the greater discomfort of feeling unsafe. This pattern extends into childhood, where feeling safe and loved means keeping the caregiver happy.
These initial rejections of who we are is why we later yearn for relationships built on unconditional acceptance and love. Yet our early nervous system regulates and calibrates according to the expectation that we will not be accepted and approved, and therefore safe and loved, just as we are. Early denial of Self begins to take place, and we instead develop the ego, that which will give us independence and autonomy in life, to move us from the helpless, dependent baby to an agent over our lives. As we develop skills, confidence, and a sense of self, we feel proud. As we should. Depth psychology recognizes the need for the independent ego to take the stage for a while. The danger is to what degree the larger Self has been buried under denied needs, unmet wants, and rejected or even unconscious parts of our Self, which seeks wholeness and integration of all our parts. What typically takes place is thatthese unconscious parts are not asleep or passive but are actively influencing our decisions, often beyond our awareness or control. As Jung states, "Until you make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will call it fate."
If you are a parent, you might feel defensive at this point, as though I am blaming your kids' issues and difficulties on you. I want to be clear that I am not saying that. Just as I am not excusing our actions later in life as though we don't have responsibility for them. This dilemma is simply a fact of how we develop and what impact that has on our identity and path through life. Still other parents might object that good caregivers love their children as they truly are and without condition. This sounds nice, but even the best caregivers impose conditions and preferred behaviors, many of which probably feel minor or like good parentings advice. After all, parents know best, right? That platitude ignores the complexity of parent-child dynamics and denies the inevitable outcomes that develop through our relationship with our parents, and that's even in the best of situations. Let's take a look at other lifelong implications.
So Why Does This Matter?
The below list is not meant to be comprehensive but is a general overview of how the acceptance vs authenticity dilemma will manifest itself throughout one's lifetime. I want to point out here, too, that the consequences will look different based on what expectations were imposed on you and in what manner. This goes beyond just caregivers and extends to all of societal forces, from capitalism and marketing, to patriarchy and high-control religion, to racism and sexism.
That said, there are so many nearly universal consequences to our response to the acceptance vs authenticity dilemma:
Acceptance and love feel conditional. Seen this way, we come to expect conditional as the default form of acceptance and love, one we must adapt to in order to be found acceptable and lovable.
We feel unworthy of love. If we cannot be loved and accepted as we are, we infer that there must be something about us that is fundamentally unlovable.
Being our authentic self and living our values can feel unsafe. Since acceptance means approval, love, and safety, if we don't feel approved by someone, it feels unsafe, and when they don't approve of our true self or reject our values, we conclude we're unsafe.
We do not know how to accept ourselves as we are. Once we have felt rejection and disapproval, we must deny parts of ourselves which we then do not explore, develop, or accept, again possibly leading to the conclusion that we are unlovable and unacceptable.
We change who we are in order to be loved. This point was elaborated on earlier but is worth mentioning again as it's the first decision we ever made and so continues to influence our path through life, one that has a direct impact on our relationships, from the partners we chose to the treatment we come to expect to how long we remain in unhealthy relationships.
We chase "unfinished business" in our relationships. Beyond changing who we are, we will also try to change someone into a person they are not in order to gain the acceptance we were denied by a different figure, often a parent, when younger. But it’s likely this person will also never see us as we truly are and might be incapable of loving us the way we wish.
We place greater importance and value on approval than authenticity. Changing who we are in order to be loved is more than just pretending to like what a friend or partner likes. It's to value their preference over our personhood.
Our attachment style and personality become somewhat cemented. Whether we are secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized in our attachment style, our early attachment to our caregiver is directly influenced by their response to our needs, as is the type of personality we form from the mix of natural temperament and environment that we had to navigate when young.
We come to accept hierarchy as natural. There is an implication many of us internalize as a result of believing that we must change in order to be accepted: Some people are better than others. This becomes reinforced by society and oppressive systems that seek to rank us, exploiting many in order to reward others. We assume that if I rank higher, then I must have more worth and value. We then hide behind our social status, titles, and possessions in order to proclaim to others the worth and acceptance we have been unable to give to ourselves, forcing us to be a false self. Or if we do not rank high in the social pecking order, we come to view ourselves as lesser, a message reinforced by social messaging around race, gender, sexual orientation, intelligence, and income.
We pursue social marks and achievements in place of an authentic self. From a desired salary to buying a house to an active social life, we strive to check those boxes off our accomplishment list and yet rarely if ever ask ourselves why we're chasing them and if we even care, let alone what we've given up to pursue them instead.
Midlife and other "crises" seriously disrupt our lives. This is not, on its own, a bad thing. As stated already, the Self will seek to lead the ego to greater wholeness and integration, but that process can feel extremely disorienting. You can either resist the Self's urging to something more at great peril to your wellbeing, or you can accept that somewhere along the line you handed over the keys to your path long ago, wondering who designed this life, if not you.
The goal here is an integrated Self, to accept the denied, discarded, ignored, and rejected parts of yourself, and to become aware of the ways in which you have been led by a desire for acceptance rather than an authentic, whole Self. But how do you go about that? Your response to that question will determine if the outcome will be a crisis or a rebirth. Most likely it will be a messy mix for a while, but a rediscovery and acceptance of who you are is possible, and as adults we get to change this pattern and write a new story.
So What Can We Do About It?
You might be wondering how we can possibly course correct if our roots and patterns go so deep and far back into the past. Maybe it feels like weeding a garden, and in a way it kind of is. It will certainly require some sweat, dirty hands, and patience. Or maybe it feels like this requires some magical spell or psychedelics. Magic would be lovely and psychedelics can help, though they aren't required.
The main issue we must face is that we have turned to others for what only we can give ourselves. A couple of quotes come to mind from therapist's I've learned from: "Do not expect to receive the love you do not give yourself" and "Why did you not become that which you and only you could become?" Sounds nice, right? But for me, this is where I often begin feeling overwhelmed. It's one thing to recognize how we got here and that we need to change. But how on earth do we do that? How do we replace ranking with self-acceptance? How do we find worth outside of others' assessments? How do we find - or create - a flexible identity capable of adapting to life's challenges without breaking? How do we love what we have come to view as unworthy and unlovable? It's one thing to say that only I can accept myself without condition, but the reality is we have created gods, stories, and relationships to give us what we struggle to give ourselves. Even the most loving and unconditionally accepting partner cannot give you what you are unable to give and accept for yourself.
So what do we do?
First, remember the patience needed for the garden. Be kind to yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. You are simply facing a dilemma all human beings must face. Learn to explore without judgment, and remember that the reward - a Self you truly love and accept - is worth the hard work. Also, you need to accept that this dilemma does not vanish simply because we become aware of it. Awareness is the first step to addressing it, but the process of dealing with this dilemma is not linear. Instead, we realize and accept it as part of how we have developed, and we get better at noticing how it pops up in our life. Again, patience and self-kindness are key to accepting that this is just a normal part of being human and learning to work with our reality rather than try to defeat or control it.
Next, I think it's helpful to remember that you aren't that helpless child anymore. As an adult you can be self-possessed in a way the younger version of yourself could not. The child had no choice but to choose approval, safety, and love, while the adult has a decision to make, fully informed of the tensions involved. To help, the adult would be wise to listen to the inner child that was buried years ago, to ask about its desires and needs denied for so long. Now the adult can parent that child and be independent, learning to love itself and have its own company wherever it goes. The reason the adult in us must parent the child in us is because it was adults who first told the child how to be. The adult is a powerful figure, one we base many images of god "the father" on, but can become restorative once claimed for oneself.
The adult also has access to community. On one hand, we must be the ones who choose to love and accept ourselves as we are, and yet we must not do so as a rejection of community but as something we turn to after that acceptance to confirm our worth and dignity even as we accept and love others as their true selves. This opportunity to love others as themselves, a valuable gift we often struggle to give ourselves, reminds us we are not the center of the universe, though our internal world often feels that way. Community also gives us valuable reassurance as well as feedback and points out other strengths or blind spots we might be missing.
Ultimately, the resolution of our acceptance vs authenticity dilemma is a question of identity. Returning to Self is a journey that requires space, deliberate pacing, and patience to explore and sit with the initial discomfort born from the awareness of how the dilemma has materialized in our lives and what reinforces it, from internal experiencing to external messages that have become internalized. Figuring out who you really are is a deeply personal investigation. In fact, often others cannot know exactly who we are because we have hidden or altered it for so long in order to be loved. And maybe you, too, have lost that Self. But our identity is not so easily buried, and the Self will continue to demand recognition, a topic addressed in the next deep dive on identity.